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Look How Far I’ve Come

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Memories …..

Today when I got up I looked at my memories on Facebook, as you do. There wasn’t much there but one caught my eye and it was an article I had shared from Huffington Post about depression. It really rang true to me a couple of years ago as I suffered from severe stress and depression due to what my counsellor described as post traumatic stress disorder. I remembered I laughed at the time. How could I have PTSD? I hadn’t been in a serious accident, I wasn’t a soldier that had suffered from heavy combat; I had just managed to leave my husband after years of mental abuse 5 years earlier and was stressed due to an ongoing court case for ancillary relief with him, That wasn’t anything major!

I know how they feel …

I read this article again today and shared it on my timeline. I really feel for people who suffer from depression and stress as I know how it feels. The days when you just don’t want to get out of bed. The days you just let the phone ring because you don’t want to speak to anyone. The days you phone in sick saying you have a migraine because you can’t stop crying. I battled with stress and depression and for a couple of years and hardly anyone understood. And then I remembered a dream I had last night. It was one about my last place of work. I was a teacher at a college and, very often when I had time off, I was alienated. The past had come back to haunt me in my dream and I remembered in my dream I turned around to go and “have it out” with the person that was alienating me and bringing everyone else along with them. Then I changed my mind and turned back around again. I sat in a corner and cried and cried. Why oh why did no one understand what I was going through? It was a horrible dream but one that was based on past reality and it had come back to haunt me. This dream and the article brought it all back. You see when you are healing from something, it takes a while to heal properly. As my reiki teacher had always said “It’s like peeling the layers of a onion. You think you’re over it then you peel back another layer.

What had I got to show for it …

I worked as a lecturer for 14 years. Blood, sweat and tears. Years and years studying and working hard. I loved my job until my ex best friend took over as my boss and began to bully me. She pretended to be my friend and yet was plotting behind my back to get ahead of me and then to get rid of me. I poured out to her everything I was going through with the court case, the stress I was under and how some days I just felt like I was on auto-pilot and just going through the motions. She used it against me and her and the Head of Department plotted to get rid of me. I had to go through a gruelling tribunal type meeting with the Head, someone from HR, my union rep and the Deputy Principal. As I had had to represent myself in court on numerous occasions and actually question my ex, my abuser, I was well prepared but it was still really nerve-racking. I had been back at work for 5 weeks and I was now full time after being off with a chronic ear condition, probably brought on by stress yet again. I felt the meeting went well and the Head went out of the room very red faced by some of the things I had brought up about the incompetence of my line manager in dealing with my sickness. It was all on paper how she had skipped the correct procedure. However, it was all in vain. After a whole week of waiting, I was finally told by the Deputy Head at 4.00 pm on a Friday that I was dismissed. Not only that would I go and empty my desk there and then. I refused as the two bosses had suddenly descended on the staff room before I had left for the meeting. More than likely to sit there laughing whilst I packed all my things. Instead I went home and cried in my husband’s arms.

Deep down I knew it was meant to be …

As I had been doing a lot of Reiki on myself with the intention to do a job that I loved with people I got on really well with and I had just left the outcome to the Angels and trusted I would get the right one so I quickly bounced back and within two weeks I got a teaching job. It was a hourly paid job teaching in a pupil referral unit. I was a bit nervous but looking forward to it. I mostly worked on my own in a small building in a small town and had to open up and lock up when I left. There were only a hand full of kids at most and I really enjoyed it but, even though it was part time, I spent all my spare time at home preparing lessons. Till one day two months later I got hit with another bomb shell. The Manager rang me and said, due to a bad Ofsted report, they were closing down the Walsall branch which meant all the teaching staff from there would be coming over to Cannock where I worked and he would have to let me go. I was devastated! Yet again I would be out of work! He said I could stay till Christmas whilst the changeover happened.

Observed for two hours …

After a couple of weeks he came over to Cannock and then after about 3 weeks asked if I could stay a bit longer as the tutor teaching my subjects had been asked to teach the pupils from Walsall in another pupil referral unit but it would only be for about another 4 weeks. He said he would let me know for definite before we broke up for Christmas. Except he didn’t tell me. I broke up for Christmas not knowing if I had a job to go back to or not. In the end I had to contact him just after new year. He confirmed he needed me so I went back to work. 1 week later he came into my classroom to do an unannounced observation and stayed for 2 hours! I really didn’t like his energy. It was harsh and I could feel his eyes burning holes into my back as I wrote on the board. I don’t know how I got through the two hours but as soon as I got home I phoned my mom and cried. I only had 3 weeks left to work but my mom told me to quit there and then. She said I’d come a long way after being ill and it wasn’t worth getting stressed out over all over again. I wanted to hug my mom. She was so supportive and really understood what I was going through.

Every cloud has a silver lining…

I had had a payout from the college due to threatening to take them to a tribunal and we were finally able to get enough deposit together to buy a house in my husband’s name so I decided to seek the Government Enterprise allowance and start my own business. That was nearly two years ago now and, despite a few wobbles, I have never given up. Reiki has changed my life! Literally! It has helped me overcome stress, anxiety, depression, helped me heal from a major ear operation and a chronic ear condition and has kept me calm and content with my life. I work alone at home but I feel more loved and fulfilled than I have in my entire life. I have a handful of friends that I go out with and I have met loads of lovely friends online through groups I am in and through people that have joined my group and most of all I have the love of the Angels surrounding me every single day and I never feel alone. I have done a massive amount of healing myself this last year and, despite the peaks and throughs of deep healing, I have kept my business going and it’s slowly started to pick up. I still sometimes have a moment when I miss my old job but it’s only a fleeting moment. I sometimes feel sad and upset that people that called themselves my friends at work haven’t even asked to see me since and really didn’t seem to care how I was. A couple of them have messaged me but that’s it. All the people I helped so much over the years. The ones that confided in me and came to me with their problems. Gone and forgotten that’s what I feel like sometimes but I must still be healing from it and I will be able to remember without it bringing a tear to my eyes soon and then I will know I am healed. I have had to dig deep to regain that confidence and I have started recording my very first online course. Not only that I have managed two live webinars!

Conclusion …

So, if you come across someone suffering with stress, anxiety and depression. They are not putting it on. They are not attention seeking. They are going through a hard time and they just need someone to listen without passing judgement. They need a friend, someone who doesn’t alienate them, someone who is there for them and makes them laugh so they can forget their troubles. I am lucky as, due to Reiki, I don’t suffer with it anymore but please, show only love and compassion for things you don’t understand and always remember the saying “There but for the grace of God go I”. And if you are someone who is struggling at the moment, never ever give up! When you lose something, there is always something better waiting round the corner. Dig deep and find the courage to move forward. If I can do it anyone can! My mission in life now is to help as many people as I can to get over their struggles, their blocks in life and move forwards. Even if it’s only tiny steps I will help them get there. I want people to never feel alone again and give them that helping hand that they need!

Love & blessings. Namaste, Jan xxx


 

 

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5 comments

  1. Denise says:

    Thank you doe sharing your story I can appreciate your struggle I to have been struggling for past 3 yrs trying ro break free from an controlling husband. It has taken 2.5 yrs of court trials to receive an order that he won’t comply to. He is a police officer. I have exhausted my money and owe my attorney money so she is unable to help me collect. My only choise is to represent myself.
    Im trying muster up the strength. Your story gives me hope that one so broken can push forward.

  2. Emile Wunsch says:

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