I felt like giving up …
What a harrowing time it was! What with my mom having hallucinations and collapsing in the bathroom and thinking someone was out to kill us all and with me totally struggling with money, I really felt like throwing in the towel and giving up on my business!
I found myself in awe of the cleaner …
The one who came in to clean my mom’s room in hospital every day. Oh to have a regular job and be earning some regular money. How could I think like this when my mom was ill in hospital? I had been working on money stuff with Reiki on myself, as well as having past life healing from my reiki teacher, and boy did it bring out some skeletons I thought I had gotten rid of.
Then there was the envy …
I envied my brother and my mom who always seem to have money even though my brother is partially sighted and does not work and my mom retired 25 years ago and only worked part time in a shop. How did they do it? What did I do wrong to deserve to always be struggling for money? Why did I always work so hard and have nothing to show for it? Why did I have a well paid job as a teacher and still end up in loads of debt and nearly bankrupt and then lose it anyway? Why, why, why am I such a failure?
All sorts of questions spinning round in my head …
and also, sometimes, feeling dead guilty for having those thoughts and feelings. My mom was scared to death, she thought someone was trying to kill her, to kill all her family. I should not be thinking all these thoughts. There are more important things to worry about. I spent every waking morning whilst my mom was in hospital crying in despair. For my mom, for my failing business, for feeling completely and utterly useless.
It really came to a head …
when I went to pick my brother up for our daily hospital visit with my daughter the one day. We stopped to get some fuel and I ran in to pay. Only, when I put my debit card in to pay, the cashier said “I’m sorry it’s not accepting your card”. Looking at her very puzzled, I said “But there’s some money in there. Never mind I’ll nip outside to the cashpoint” To my dismay, when I went to the cashpoint, an unexpected bill had gone out and I was overdrawn on my overdraft and there was NO money. I ran to the car and asked my daughter to pay. She ran in with me and paid for the fuel on her card. It was only 20 pounds but I felt so guilty and humiliated. Despite the fact that I had always helped my daughter out with money whenever she needed it, and she reminded me of that fact, I still felt such a let down and such a useless mother for having to borrow money off my daughter who was straight out of uni and really needed the money herself.
That night I cried and cried …
Partly due to desperation over my mom being ill and feeling drained giving her reiki for a few hours every day but mainly due to the fact that I couldn’t go on like this any longer. I couldn’t continue to work round the clock and worry about how I was going to pay my bills every single day. I had to get a job and get one fast. I saw an advert pop up online for an electronic notetaker in a university. My eyes lit up for a few seconds. I could do that! I clicked on the button and started to fill in an application online. I received an email almost straight away saying I needed to do an online typing speed test. Despite it being 11.00 pm in the evening and me not being able to see very well with tears in my eyes, not to mention feeling really, really tired. I immediately sat upright and started to do the typing test. I sent it off and received an email the next morning saying I had gotten through the test and she would like to do a Skype interview with me the following week. Fabulous! Or was it?
The next week was a bit of a haze
Everyone seemed really pleased for me that I was getting a job. “Oh it will do you so much good to get out the house and meet people” everyone seemed to say. “Yes” I said in reply, although every time I said it I had a real sinking feeling in my stomach. Then I thought of the regular money every month; being able to afford to get my hair done, being able to buy the toiletries I so desperately needed and buying the weekly groceries which would help my husband out immensely as he was struggling to pay the mortgage and the household bills. Maybe even being able to afford to save for a holiday and finally being able to spend some money on the girls (my two daughters). 9 years of being in debt after my previous marriage breakup would soon be history! No more sleepless nights! I just kept thinking of all those things to wipe out the sinking feeling.
As each day passed though, the interview was drawing closer and closer. I had had such bad experiences of interviews in my previous job at the college. Gruelling interview panel type interviews and micro teaches with all the biggest wigs in the senior management team looking daggers at me. Feeling as though I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. Did I really want to go through yet another interview? Did I really want to get a job again? Would I get ill and lose it like I did the last one. I couldn’t go though a week long investigation with the Vice Principal like last time. Feeling humiliated after working damn hard for 14 years and giving the place blood, sweat and tears. I had to push those thoughts to the back of my mind and do the interview anyway. I did some intuitive guidance for myself and got that I should do the interview so I went ahead.
I had to do a spelling Test!
It was quite a pleasant interview despite the fact that I had never done one via Skype before, and the young girl was really nice. I got over my ego rearing its ugly head and thinking “She’s so much younger than me and SHE is interviewing ME” and decided to just be myself even though I probably sounded very much like a giggling school girl. To my dismay I had to do a spelling test and a grammar test and my heart was racing. I had always been really good at spelling and grammar but my mind was going blank at times. Still, she said I could write them down before I gave my answer if it helped and I called on my Angels to help me. I got through it and knew I had got some of them wrong but she seemed satisfied. She said she would let me know tomorrow if I had got through to the assessment. She did get in touch the next day and said I was through to the assessment at the university the very next week. I was quietly relieved but not overly ecstatic.
How would I cope?
The next few days were all a blur. I was constantly worrying about the assessment day and how I would cope working 9 to 5 part time for 3-4 days a week, looking after my mom when my brother needed to go out and running a very busy Facebook page, membership group and business. Something would have to give. I couldn’t manage them all. I would end up really stressed out like I did in my last job. I couldn’t go through all that again! I had just got straight after the last bout of stress and depression. My mind was in turmoil. I was losing sleep and constantly doing self reiki in order to get some sleep. I felt tired, run down and down right fed up. Why had it come to this? I was following my dream. I really had a genuine desire to help people. I had been intuitively guided to go down this path and lost my job in order to be able to pursue it so why, oh why was it all going t**s up!
Should I trust my own Intuitive Guidance?
I don’t know if was all the worry, all the angst or what it was but I suddenly started feeling really ill. I was constantly dizzy and almost felt like I had the flu but there was no cold, no cough, no runny nose. I had prayed so hard for a sign from them upstairs as to what to do but I was all over the place and did not trust my own intuitive guidance. Could this be a sign that I shouldn’t go any further. I really didn’t want this job and it was a shame to keep carrying on when someone else could have it who would really want it. Finally, I managed to balance myself and receive some calming, reiki energy from the Angels and it all became clear. It really was my choice! I had to make the decision. I had secretly given them upstairs an ultimatum but I didn’t have to go ahead if I didn’t want to. The Angels will have my back and will always support me in whatever I want to do. They always have and they always will. I felt a wave of calm and really felt their presence and began to trust. I sent an email back saying I wouldn’t be able to attend as I had vertigo and wasn’t feeling well. I immediately received a reply saying, “What a shame. I wish you well in the future”. I was a bit open mouthed but I knew that it was the right thing and I immediately felt relieved.
Intuitive Guidance Rocks
I can’t say the last few weeks following that decision were easy but things started to turn around. I still had wobbles every now and again but I convinced myself that I would rather do what I love and help lots of people and be broke for the rest of my life than being in a job again where I feel like a robot day in day out. Don’t get me wrong I have had some great jobs in my time and I was really lucky as, from the age of about 13 to 48, I was always in work. I have had jobs I have absolutely loved and every time I have worked I have always put my all into my work and done the best I could. I always remembered my late granddad saying “If a job’s worth doing it’s worth doing well” and I had always tried my damned hardest to stick to it! Every job I have had has given me new skills, enabled me to meet many people, some of which I am still good friends with today and I am truly grateful for all of them; even the bad ones. Every experience shapes us into the people we are today, good or bad and it’s life changing when we realise that! I wondered if all my negative thoughts had held me back and, again, sought intuitive guidance for myself. It appears it was all deep healing to bring everything from my past to the surface to heal and, also, so I know how it feels to be rock bottom and still keep going on blind faith so I can better help other people in business who feel just like I did. How awesome is that?!
Never give up on your Dreams
So, here I am, two years later still pursuing my dream. My business has gone from strength to strength and I am now helping other ladies in business to keep their faith and boosting their businesses with REIKI once a week!
So good to TRUST in the Divine and move forwards with the help of my Angels. I woke up feeling excited every morning now as I am helping ladies, who like me in the past, have niggles and doubts and struggle to keep going at times. I am often reminded of a sign that the late, great Dr. Wayne Dyer had above his bed “Good things are going to happen” and, as the song goes, it really does like my fire when I see my lovely business boosters growing and shining brighter than ever before!
So my message to you is live life in the moment, enjoy every day and if you’re not doing what you LOVE, do something about it, whatever it is. I’m not saying give up your job but, if you’re not happy and doing something that you love, look for something better. You can ask your Angels for help all you want and they will throw opportunities your way, but it is you and only you that has to take action and make it happen. Live, love, learn and be grateful, always!
Do you have your own business?
Do you feel stuck and need some sound, intuitive guidance to move forwards?
If so, I would LOVE to help you!
I would love to see you go from stressed ….
To blessed ….
Check out my Holistic Business Boost group
I would really, really LOVE to help you and watch you shine too!
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Holistic Business Boost
Lots of LOVE, light and abundance!